I’m begining to feel increasingly trapped. It’s hard to be an idealist when confronted with such a soul sucking reality. Fun times with capitalist society and its extractory expectations. Somehow I’m made to feel like a failure because I don’t prescribe to the cookie cutter existence that is being shoved down my throat. School, job, marriage, children – a pancake mix life, just add your blood, sweat and tears. This is not to say that these things are intrisically bad but the way we’re pushed towards them, how they become markers of a life well lived is daunting.

My body is posited as a force of production primarily so I am only useful when I can produce. “Idleness” is our Big Bad (definetly the root of ableism imo). The way we think of time off, weekends, holidays, hobbies makes me weary. They’re just the things we do on The Side. But is The Side not where life is? Cliché but this society effectively makes us live to work instead of working to live. Work days are longer, time off a luxury. Why is it that my time is only useful if I’m producing something for monetary consumption?

I want to keep my idealism but I’m not stupid either. I don’t want to keep shaving off parts of myself just so I can afford rent and food. I’m left jagged and aimless in the monotone humdrum of modern life. I have no interest in certain industries because of their contributions to the military-industrial complex, I’m constantly riding myself raw because of the products I use (no ethical consumption in the capitalist world) but I try to remain pragmatic about my approach – I know the kinds of skills that will let me survive and maybe even thrive in the world and I do continue to develop them, skills that make me as independent from the hold of the mainstream workforce and the superstructure it helps maintain as possible.

I don’t want my livelihood to be dependent on me performing pointless acts with unseen consequences especially if the result is me personally creating more value for some faceless CEO in a day than I’ll see in a month. There has to be more to life.

Listen up future me (a prophetic prayer of sorts)

Wake up early, stretch, light exercise, meditate
Take a shower, not too cool, not too warm, scents of mint and berries
Get dressed. Hopefully you live somewhere warm so thin cottons, silks and if you’re feeling fancy,lace and organza
Make breakfast, fruits, meat, eggs bread and fresh juice, the mind is your palace but the body must live
Sit down and create till noon
Make a light lunch, sandwich maybe, and take a walk or a bike ride around town, beach, market, forest
Just outside doing nothing but soaking up your surroundings, people watching, unplugging
Find a spot, take a good nap, wake up and and head back home
More creation till early evening
Make dinner. For sanity spend this time with others, talking, laughing, sharing
Ready yourself for bed, preferably within the pages of a book but a loved one’s arms will do
Thank the forces that keep you going, be they within yourself or in some transcendent being
Sleep, for everyday must come to an end.