Tales of a maladjusted adult pt 6

Second quarter.

Sally has graduated (essentially). Sally is employed (conditionally). Sally is still deeply unsatisfied with life.

This whole year I have lived off the kindness of others (being housed and fed by them) and I’ve been confronted with  my own sense of pride, the shame I feel when asking for help and the relief and eternal gratitude that comes once I have accepted it. I’ve been lucky to  be surrounded by friends and family who make it clear that it’s ok to need to depend on others every once in a while. I’m the only one who seems to have a problem with it. I hate having plans that only seem to be coming into fruition in some nebulous future. I hate believing that I am more than what I manifest now. I have faith that everything good I am weaving for myself and others will come to pass (bar madness, severe illness or death), but I want to shine as blindingly as that imagined future me in the present.

Oh well, for now Sally has graduated (essentially), Sally is employed (conditionally), and Sally will be working on her deep dissatisfaction with life.

Continuously learning all I can is my way of doing penance for the mistakes I’ve made. I want to make sure I never repeat them again and to do that I must ensure that all my choices and actions are well thought out and allow me to be in equilibrium with whatever environment that I’m in. This requires a lot of time and effort.

One could say it’s almost sado-masochistic. Intellectual self-flagellation. I go wherever my learning takes me, no matter what it makes me question. I am not afraid to be wrong – In fact I hope there never comes a time where there is nothing that can challenge my beliefs; that would mean there would be nothing left to learn, and what would be the point of living after that?

So I keep learning, keep sharpening myself, not for any gain necessarily but so that all the space I occupy be it physically, in terms of power, et cetera et cetera is not wasted.